Early last week, the wife of one of my clients called me.  She called to thank me for saving her marriage.  Here is how she explained it to me.  She said that before her husband started working with me, they would fight all the time about what he should do in his business.  He just wouldn’t listen to her to her ideas.  It was causing a serious contention between them.  Apparently, one of them spent lots of time sleeping on the couch.

Since I began to coach him, their contention has disappeared; they are back in their happy life together.  The funny thing was that what she was suggesting he do was the same thing that I am telling him to do.  The difference is that he didn’t fight with me and usually, he just did the actions necessary to build up his new business.  She asked me, “Why?”

I think the answer is simple and yet worth looking into.  The simple fact is that in order to be successfully coached, there must be a request for the coaching.  By asking for coaching the client is saying I am stuck here and I am interested in what you, the coach, has to say about how to get myself unstuck.  In fact, I am so committed to being unstuck that I will do what you say I should do.

The client must choose to be the performer and ask the coach for their expertise.  To me, it makes sense that someone who requests coaching actually is committed to being successful.  It is his intention to win, not lose.

On the other hand, in at least that specific marriage, the client did not request coaching and did not want to discuss how stuck he was with his wife.  So when she gave him the suggestions, he just simply could not hear them.  His commitment was to be in a marriage, not a business coaching session.  So he balked at the suggestions which led to the fights.  I am sure you know the rest.

What is the take away for you today?  I think it’s to examine if you are in some kind of contentious relationship, look at your behavior and see if you are responding to something that is not being asked of you.  There is no request for coaching.  I suspect that not giving your good ideas where they are not requested will go a long way to heal a contentious relationship.

I would love to hear from you about your experience in this matter.  And, if you think I am wrong, please tell me where I am wrong.  After all, you really didn’t ask for this coaching!